How Well Do I Know Myself?

With a new moon comes new beginnings, or so they say. Honestly, when I hear those two words together, all I can think about is Edward Cullen in Twilight New Moon, so I’m not sure…

Plus, I think we always have the chance for a new beginning.

What does the moon have to do with anything?

I’m sure some of you astrologers or bonafide crystal workers know so much more about the planets and how things change every cycle, which I’m not discounting. In fact, I’d love to learn more, I just haven’t, yet.

Nonetheless, my new beginning started with setting up an actual home office. I figured lounging on the couch while my laptop overheated my sweatpanted thighs wasn’t a viable option any longer. So, here I sit, at my new workspace, in a chair from the dining room because something happened with my Serta delivery that forced me to order a new throne — don’t worry, it wasn’t purchased from Wayfair.

I haven’t kept up on what was determined with Wayfair’s sketchy furniture postings, but I’m fairly certain a Taurus throw pillow isn’t worth $25K, although, again, I’m not the astrology expert.

What I do know is how I envision my life — what feels right to me, which I feel lucky to have… if I’m honest, I think I knew a long time ago, but never gave myself permission to pursue the dreams because I hated the thought of failing. I still don’t love the idea, but it is starting to grow on me, like the taste of whiskey, maybe. At first, I felt like I was pouring gasoline down my throat, but now, I can thoroughly enjoy a short glass of clean whiskey on the rocks.

• side note — one time, I was trying to look cool and order a badass drink; I asked for a Bulleit Bourbon neat, on the rocks

Let’s take it back to 1998 —

I was seven and I was the youngest person in my competitive dance group. I knew well before then that I loved to perform — I loved being around a massive group of people, executing something I’d worked hard on with those that shared a common goal, and being able to dive into artistic creativity on a daily basis.

Of course, I didn’t exactly know what this passion meant, but I certainly remember announcing to my family that I was going to be famous; I followed that up with a middle split and a one handed push-up, as if that would prove I could do it.

It may seem premature to even divulge such a statement considering I have 900 followers on Instagram and the only people following me around in life are my boyfriend (guiding him through a grocery store) and my niece (I still need to remove the slop of orange nail polish covering my toes).

Typically, the release would come after my third novel and start of my talk show; my mom would be talking to a friend over tea (she doesn’t drink tea) and gabbing about how she remembered when I made that statement all those years ago in Grandma and Grandpa’s living room.

I just got lost a little along the way.

I blame it on my extroverted nature. It’s not the stereotypical, ‘I just wanted to fit in’ — it’s that I genuinely felt whole (and still do) around lots of people. I wanted to be the center of attention at sleepovers, I wanted to step up and prove myself at competitions, and I still feel pulled to engage with a big group of friends and strangers… WHICH IS FUCKING HARD RIGHT NOW.

Damnit, COVID, if you don’t leave, I will go all Mean Girls on your ass.

You think anyone’s naming their child COVID? I’m imagining a bet between two drunk dudes… “Okay, if Lebron James says ‘king’ in his next interview, I get to name your kid… deal?” “And if he doesn’t say it, you have to legally change your name!” drunk guy # 2 shouts.

Being an extroverted writer is challenging — you sit by yourself in front of a computer and stare at a blank page until words start flowing out — not able to chat with anyone about Demi Lovato’s engagement or Rihanna’s new skincare line.

But it’s part of my KNOWING. I absolutely know writing will play a big role in my life forever… writing would be cast as the shy, reserved boy in my life, while performing would be cast as the daring, creative girl.

Perhaps not the best analogy, but my brain likes it, and that’s what ends up on paper… nay, a screen — things I like, which, in and of itself is part of my knowing.

So, in closing, with what I’ve come to understand about myself, I would urge you to write down what you’re drawn to, where you see your life, and what you want out of it. Start small, if you want, and revisit it every couple weeks or every thirty days… it’s crazy what you can bring into your life, if you just take the time to envision it.

Here’s mine, at the moment.

Eating well (both for myself and for the environment). Traveling… as sustainably as possible. Maintaining solid relationships. As my job — consistently engaging in conversation with people in a public setting. Writing without boundaries, preferably in collaboration with a team. Forming my own business. Advocating for equal rights and justice against child abuse and sexual assault, thus changing the school education system. Watching everything Mindy Kaling and Issa Rae create.